Friday, May 21, 2010

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

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Yesterday I was amazed when G handed me a pile of worksheets after preschool.  Completed.  Signed.  Huge 3" wobbly letters, but sitting on a line, right side up and not backwards.   Awesome sauce!

Last week I was floored when we went to the grocery store and he pushed the cart and stayed with me the ENTIRE time.  I never had to pull him back to task, chase him through the store, frantically search for him or apologize to countless victims of his screeching, throwing or bumping.  Though I still had to return a few unnecessary goodies at the register, wink wink.  Heck, my husband still does that, lol.

2 weeks ago, he came home and very deliberately gave me a gift that he couldn't wait to have me see.
He drew and created for long stretches on the driveway with chalk, elaborate creations that he excitedly explained to anyone who would listen.

3 weeks ago, he started asking where all the cars were going, like he had just realized that life existed outside of our car.  We still make up car's destinations as we drive.  I love it and so does he.

1 month ago, I took him to lunch alone and he behaved.  For the first time, I did not have to apologize to a single soul.  We RARELY go out to eat, this was huge.  I was elated.

6 weeks ago, G asked me, "What did you do today?" when he came home from school.  He also told me my hair was really, really lovely one day.  This from my "reporter" boy who only reports about his life, his interests and activities.  An unprompted, spontaneous loving encounter.

2 months ago, I thought there was something wrong wih him when we visited the zoo.  We had to wait for him, straggling, putzing along checking out every little thing.  His usual speed is turbo extreme, never fast enough to check out everything in record speed.  We visited the zoo again the following week on a crowded day with the whole family, and he was still slow as a turtle.  It was almost a complete opposite of his normal self.  We were puzzled, but grateful. 

3 months ago, he was completely adverse to holding a pencil; he wouldn't color, wouldn't draw, wouldn't do a worksheet.  He could not do a project without direction and redirecting, redirecting, battling and tantrums...unless it was completely his idea and the stars were aligned just so.  :}

4 months ago, in a NT prescool classroon, I'd ask him what he did after school and he'd reply in a faraway tone, I dunno or nothing.  Or he'd talk about the kind teacher's aide and something she did or said.  His projects were sad, haphazard creations of green.  He played alone and ignored his classmates.

5 months ago, he obsessed over wii games.  Then he alternated between playing the games and creating mii's - hundreds of them, transgendered, transracial, transposed letters combined in their names.  They became his friends, and I let him create his own world while I dealt with my own uncertain emotions at the time.  I was in the research, denial vs. acceptance, mourning phase of his ASD Dx. :(

6 months ago, he wouldn't sit still long enough to focus on a story most days - now he'll sit for several and discuss them or the concepts they represent. 

7 months ago, he started pretending; so much so that he has an imaginary friend, which totally unnerves me. 

8 months ago, G started talking more, asking more about his world.  This coincided with a speech program that I was taking to work with him. 

9 months ago, G would never walk in a school or public place.  He ran about, seemingly without a plan; almost like a puppy in a new place that must sniff every corner. 

These changes are truly amazing as I reflect upon his growth and how my hard work has indeed paid off and opened up our little guy to the world outside of himself.  He is better able to focus and regulate.  I needed to recall these triumphs tonight because although fantastic, his bevaviors are far from predictable and consistent.  We still struggle, he still tantrums.  He still closes off and won't budge, won't engage. 

This morning after his social skills class, I took him to the library to pick out new books - his new favorite activity.  After running helter skelter for a few minutes, pulling books off shelves and loudly exclaiming, I wondered if we'd have to leave.  I settled him with a story, cozied up on a couch.  Then he played computer games, navigating entirely by himself, while I weeded out the book selections and talked to the librarian.  Afterwards, I let him pick the restaurant for a lunch date.  We went to coney's again; I was glad since I'd had such good luck last time.  WRONG.  He was hyper and naughty, playing with his fork, almost poking the man numerous times who unwittingly sat behind G while we were in the restroom.  He was the old goofy, wacked out G, no listening, completely out of control.  I had to cut it short and come home to rest for 20 minutes before going on our first A-team playdate, with an another autistic friend that he's known for 2 years.  Luckily, the break worked for him too, because he was well-behaved at the playdate and afterwards. 

I can read and try all these techniques and therapies and classes, but I still cannot predict or communicate with him what will work.  Or more importantly, not work.  If only I had a formula for the right amount of sensory OT; the right environment of lighting, smells, sounds, textures;  the correct order of activities; regulated diet, etc., and so on and on...I could make sure that we were ready to face any adventure or situation. 

But then again, can we do that at any age, even as a neuro-typical (NT)?  How can I hope to ever get to the point where I'll know how to begin my plan to plan?  Because hope and moving forward and upward is our ONLY choice.  Most helpful to me is to reflect upon our successes as I'm doing here.  This will help me to sleep tonight and wake up refreshed and ready to face another unpredictable, potentially exhausting, grueling day filled with tears and screams.  But me - I'm hoping for laughs, tickles, and incredible insights into my little sensitive genius - and another tally on his accomplishment chart.

As the talented and lovely Mr. Bowie sings...Changes

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet

So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test


Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes


Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time


I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same


And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes


Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time


Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through


Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes


Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Fabulous saxophone fade.............................oh yeah!